He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
