Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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