I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Four minutes until I can fart!
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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