How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
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He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
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Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
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