I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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