can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
She tied me up with her honor cords...
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
