my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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