yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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