Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
