Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
can a guy be partially circumsized? cause i dont exactly know what i was lookng at...
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
