But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Can't talk, ducks in the car
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
