put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
