I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
