I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Two words: blizzard sex
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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