I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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