There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
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