How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
