if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
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