saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
