take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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