What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
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Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
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Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
It all started with a game of naked twister.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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