Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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