You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
