I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Randomize
