and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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