her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
