the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
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