One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
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I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
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I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
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