I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
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It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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