I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Randomize
