Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize
