Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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