While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
