thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I could fuck to npr.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
