my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
