ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Someone signed my nipple.
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