I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Randomize
