Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Randomize
