I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
