I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
jump out the window naked night went bad
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