She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
