He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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