you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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