So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
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we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
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