you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
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