Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
