Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
