I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
