maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
Whoa Z and x make the same sound
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
i need to put some appletini on your dick
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
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