please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
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