I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
