there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Randomize