Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
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