My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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