Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
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