I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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