he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I cut my penus on the lid.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
